The Wedding Blues

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Welcome to Spotlight. I’m Colin Lowther.

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And I’m Alice Irrizary. Spotlight uses a special English method of broadcasting. It is easier for people to understand, no matter where in the world they live.

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‘It was strange. We had spent months saving money and planning. We wanted to make sure everything was perfect. Then, in a single day it was all over. I thought: what now?’

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‘There did not seem to be anything to talk about afterwards. There was nothing to look forward to. I felt really depressed – it was horrible.’

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‘Afterwards I wondered what it was all for. I suppose I just expected more.’

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But what happens when the person you love suddenly seems to change? And it all happens after one day – your wedding day! The day you got married! More and more people are experiencing the ‘wedding blues’. In other words, after they get married they feel depressed, ‘blue’. This kind of experience is called postnuptial depression.

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Today’s Spotlight is on postnuptial depression. We explore what causes this feeling and how to fight against it.

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Hayley Brown is thirty one years old. She is one of many women who have experienced postnuptial depression. She spent eighteen months planning the big event – the wedding! She and her future husband wanted everything to be perfect! The time leading up to the wedding was full! There were so many plans There was the list of people to invite. There were the flowers, the food, the place, and the clothes! And then there was the honeymoon – where to go for their holiday after the wedding. But, after all this – suddenly there was nothing to plan! When they returned from their honeymoon, Hayley felt depressed. She said,

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‘Like lots of women I lost weight nine months before I got married. I wanted to look good on the day. But afterwards I wondered what it was all for.’

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Hayley is not alone! Philip Hodson is a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. He advises people with mental illness and other problems. He said that one in ten people suffer from postnuptial depression. So, what are the causes? And what can they do about it?

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Doctors Laura Scott and Allison Stafford are researchers of marriage and family planning. They say that much of the problem comes from differences in expectation. A ’perfect’ wedding must mean a ‘perfect’ marriage, right?  Wrong. Scott and Stafford    spoke to many women after their wedding. Scott wrote:

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“For even depressed women, the wedding appears to have met their expectations. Instead, it was after the wedding that the ‘blue’ women experienced depression. They found little direction for moving forward in their relationship or lives.”

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Many people expect their relationships to go in a certain way. They may have read about marriage in a book or seen it in a film. But being married is different than reading about it. Husbands and wives rarely act the way we hope they will. The things we like about them change. Or, our partners may change themselves! Clinton Power is a relationship counselor from Sydney, Australia. He told the website Psyche Central:

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“People grow and change over time. This means that the relationship changes. The issue is that couples do not adjust for some of the changes that they are each going through. The relationship is not like it used to be. They are different people than when they first met.”

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Other stories about relationships continue long after marriage. For someone who expects a perfect marriage, disagreement can seem like a disaster. It may give the impression that a relationship is falling apart when it is not. Michelle Gannon is a marriage counselor. She finds she often must ask her patients:

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“Where did you get the idea that you were not supposed to fight? You are. It is normal.”

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The time after a wedding can also be difficult because marriage itself is a change. It means living with a new person. Sometimes it means changing how you spend money. Now that you are married, should you spend all your time with your husband or wife? How do you know if they are happy or not? Who does the work around the house? Marriage means learning something new about your husband or wife every day. Some of these will be confusing. Some can even cause anxiety or depression.

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Doctor Jane Greer is an expert who helps people know if they are ready for marriage. She says that Marriage needs work straight away. You should know this from the start. Then, you are less likely to get a horrible shock later. You should make time for each other from the beginning. Then you can avoid problems later on. Experts give simple useful ideas to avoid the ‘wedding blues’: 

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After you marry, start a new pastime, something you enjoy. It could be an exercise class. It could be painting. It could be running! Anything! You will have spent many months filling your time with wedding plans. So, you need to do something to fill that time. This can be with your husband or wife. Or it can be without. But do not do everything together! If you do, you may start to miss being independent.

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Ask your successful married friends for help and advice!

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Seek advice before you get married. Churches, counselors, and friends can help you understand if you are truly ready.

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Make time for each other.

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Remember, conflict does not mean it is all over. Relationships take work.

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Talk to your husband or wife about your feelings. He or she may be feeling the same way.

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Do not expect marriage to be the answer to all your problems.

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Keep your love alive after the honeymoon!

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If your feelings of depression do not go away – seek help from a doctor or counselor.

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Paula Hall is a relationship psychotherapist. She helps married people. Paula offers advice on the internet. She says the most common areas of disagreements are money, housework and sex. But she says that often these arguments have deeper roots. For example, a husband and wife may argue about money. But the real problem could be about a person’s sense of value or power in the relationship. Paula says,

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‘We all need to feel valued as human beings. But there are times when the way our husband or wife spends money can make us feel worthless. Often the real issues are about fairness, respect, care and love.’

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Experts say that these are things that every marriage needs to succeed in the long term – respect, care and love. The time after a wedding may make you blue. But the key to happiness in marriage is working at it – together.

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If you are married or if you hope to be married or if you have a long-term commitment to someone else, tell us what you think about the advice in this program. To whom would you turn for encouragement in your relationship? You can leave a comment on our website at www.spotlightenglish.com. You can also find us on Youtube, Facebook, Instagram, and X.You can also get our programs delivered directly to your Android or Apple device through our free official Spotlight English app.

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The writers of this program were from the Spotlight team. The producer was Michio Ozaki. The voices you heard were from the United States and the United Kingdom. All quotes were adapted for this program and voiced by Spotlight. This program is called, ‘The Wedding Blues’.

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We hope you can join us again for the next Spotlight program. Goodbye.

Question:

To whom would you turn for encouragement in your relationship with your spouse?